I am starving!

February 17

Dear Diary,
I am, to put it quite frankly, STARVING. I was correct in my hearing of the dreaded word "DIET." For some silly reason these humans think that I need to lose weight. How ridiculous is that? Can't they see that rounder is better? Sassy is just somehow lacking without some Fat to it! I have expressed my displeasure quite forcefully about this travesty but my humans just try to respond back in their awful version of cat speak. (I mean really just how much can one person brutally destroy a language?!?) I think this might be the doing of that doctor lady but I will have to check my resources before I make any accusations! I am unsure what I am going to do about this insanity but I am sure I will think of something. I do have to say though that it is nice to be getting the delicious canned entrees and "designer" treats. I can't be sure but I feel like after eating the treats my cold has gone away and my teeth seem much cleaner. This could just all be some strange coincidence though and I may just be getting more awesome all on my own. For now I am going to go and try to sleep so that the hours until my next meal will go by quicker. Wish me luck and food dearest diary! Woe-is-me!

The HORROR!

February 11

Dearest Diary!

The horror! The injustice! The PLASTIC BOX! My humans have put me in the dreaded plastic box again. I am outraged! What's even worse is they then put me in the loud metal thing with wheels and then we were MOVING and it seemed to go on for EVER! They finally came to their senses and took me out of the metal thing into a strange new building. Fortunately I survived this harrowing experience by testing out a new defensive maneuver. I crawled to the back of the plastic box, burrowed under all the blankets and completely hid myself! If I can't see the horrors outside, clearly they can't see me! I figure this is a maneuver I will have to keep in my arsenal seeing as it worked and I made it to the strange new building alive and unscathed! Well, to continue on with my story it turns out the strange place is called the "Vets." Here I met another human who it seems is dedicated to my well being. (Really can a fat cat have enough humans to faun over her?) Her name is Dr. H and apparently she took care of my humans last feline master. I never got to meet this "Kitty Maow" but from what I have been able to ferret out he was much loved by all and sorely missed. I wish I could have met him seeing as how I could use a consort for my fabulousness! I will rummage through the humans things and try to accumulate a picture of him to share with you. But, I digress! Here is my new human groupie with me. (Clearly I was trying to hide from the paparazzi but they are everywhere!)

She told my humans how wonderful I am and even had her assistant come in to take photos of me (clearly the cameras love me!) The only thing that is somewhat bothersome is something she said that was rather...suspicious. I swear I heard her say the word "DIET" Clearly I am mistaken because who would want to slim down this ball of awesome?

I did see my humans purchasing multiple cans of delicious cuisine for me including several bags of "designer" treats. I think that they may even be forgiven for putting me BACK in the plastic box and BACK in the loud metal thing. At least this time we ended at home where I promptly retired to my California King sized bed to relax after such a harrowing journey! We will see how they make it up to me when I decide to grace them with my sassiness.

Time Will Tell

February 3, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am acclimating well to my new home. My humans seem to be learning rather quickly what I deem necessary for my daily fabulousness! I have now explored my entire new home and have found all of the best places to hide when I want to be annoying and make my humans come find me. Most of the time though it is really just for when something scary happens (like the front door opening! You never know what is going to come through there!) And I have no shame of needing a few hidey holes. I may be fabulous, but I get scared like everyone else, thank you very much. I just have the foresight to scope out my options ahead of time! I have also found the best places for my required hours of napping. The bed is just marvelous and there is a super fuzzy blanket they leave on the couch just for me! I do have to say that the fuzzy blanket does make one of my rather more adorable quirks come out. My humans seem to be cataloging my every move with their cameras and videos so I suppose it will get out sooner or later. So to be ahead of the punch I will just come out and admit to my adorableness! I am a blanket sucker. That's right, you heard me. I am a rather accomplished biscuit maker and I can knead blankets with the best of them. But over time I have come to realize that tasting the blanket while making biscuits takes the process to a whole new level of enjoyment. Sometimes I find myself doing it for 20 minutes at a time before slowly starting to nod off (it's a great way to get ready for a nap!)Since my humans have captured it on film, I stole it from them and will steal their thunder by showing it to you before they can. You can thank me later for making your day.

New Humans

January 30, 2014

Dear Diary,

I feel the need to introduce myself so that when future generations research my greatness they will get a full picture of who I am.

I am Kia. I am 4.5 years old and I am fat and sassy! (Just look at my picture if you don't believe me!)

Today I have acquired myself a new set of humans. They are called Lissy and Mr. J. I think they will do rather nicely as my new servants seeing as how before I even let them take me home they were able to find some of my favorite places to be scratched. I am unamused however by the stranger who put me in a large plastic box with holes in it. She then proceeded to carry me all over the place which I find extremely unacceptable! On the plus side I made her work for it! When I got to the place where the stranger gave me to my new humans I heard them talking about my amazing 18.2 pound frame. Apparently the Seattle Humane Society is aware of how awesome us fat and sassy kitties are because they were giving my new humans $1 off for every pound I weigh. See how generous and giving I am already and we haven't even left yet!Well, they are finally taking me to my new home so I will be back later to report on their progress!


January 30, PM

I am not sure how I feel about these servants! They have trapped me in a bathroom! A bathroom! Can you believe this nonsense? This is an outrage! I am a fat and sassy goddess! I deserve squishy things to lay on and delicious treats at all times, not A BATHROOM! I overheard them saying that they wish they didn't have to leave me in the bathroom but I have to get used to where my box is, but really? How idiotic do they think I am? Of course I will be able to find my box! Well, there is at least one point in there favor, they did give me more of that delicious scratching that I love. I guess I will reserve judgement until a later date, but they had better shape up!


February 1, 2014

Well, I haven't dismissed my new servants yet seeing as how they released me from the confines of the bathroom. I am currently getting to know my new house and surroundings. I seem to have several rooms to roam about in and a ginormous bed to lounge on whenever I feel like.

I am still unsure as to what all the strange sounds are that I hear, but my humans seem to be unconcerned with them so I am leaning towards them being harmless. I think I may be able to enjoy myself in this new home, but I will stay alert to make sure there are no more of those bathroom shenanigans!