Say NO TO CONES!

March 25

My Avid Readers,

My humans have FINALLY come to their senses and released me from the cone of shame! I feel like in retaliation I may have to come up with more evil genius plans such as the belly attack but I will see what they do to redeem themselves before I take drastic measures. I do have to say I made life rather difficult for everyone when we went to see the doctor lady. Look at how sneaky I am! I am clearly just one of the strange human machines!

I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to no longer have that thing keeping me back! I feel filthy from DAYS of not being able to clean myself! And let me tell you how horrible it is to try to taste the biscuits I was making with this cone thing in my way. UGH!On the plus side I managed to retain my fabulousness throughout the entire ordeal. Don't you agree?

All in all I am a rather happy kitty now that I am no longer forced to accessorize in such a horrid way. Maybe my humans are worth it after all...

CONE OF SHAME!

March 11

My Dearest Avid Followers!

If you thought that all of the torture and indignity were bad before just wait til you here this! My human servants have put me in.... THE CONE OF SHAME! ME! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS TRIPE! IT IS AN OUTRAGE!

Ok I must calm down. Getting this overly excited isn't good for my dazzling personality. So my humans took me to the doctor lady again and this time she had the nerve to say that I have Feline Chin Acne. Moi? With acne? Preposterous! I mean I will acknowledge that I may have been scratching lately and that I might have scratched a few grooves in my chin but is that really any reason to subject me to this cone full of shame?? I know I still look fabulous but a girl can only do so much when wearing something that looks like a lamp shade!

I feel like all I can really do is hang my head in shame and hope that no one else sees me....

Secret Weapon

My Dearest Diary,

I feel that since this is being aimed towards my future followers and is of course for posterity that I shall henceforth refer to you as my "avid followers." So to start again:

My dear avid followers,
(it has such a nicer ring to it doesn't it?) So to punish my humans for their insolence in putting me on a diet I have developed a marvelous secret weapon. Let me explain to you my brilliance.

Step One:
Get my humans to pet me and lull them into a false sense of security

Step Two:
Roll onto my back displaying my absolutely adorable fuzzy tummy

Step Three:
Wait for unsuspecting humans to pet the adorable fuzzy tummy (because let's be honest...who could RESIST?!?)

Step Four:
ATTACK!

Isn't it brilliant?! I am quite a genius if I do say so myself. Since you are such a trusted confidante I will show you a picture of the "bait" (aka my adorable fuzzy tummy)

Alright, I don't want to overload you with cuteness so I will leave you for now, but don't fret I will be back soon.

Pink Pajamas, Penguins on the Bottom

March 29,

Dear Diary,

Have you ever noticed how the chanting at the beginning of the Circle of Life from the Lion King sounds like they are saying "pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom?" A good friend of the humans told them this and now that's how Lissy sings it and now it is all I can hear whenever the song comes on. Here let me show you.

See? See? Did you hear it? There it is. Your world is forever changed! You may be wondering why I am bringing up the Lion King. Since I am so fabulous I am going to tell you. You see my humans (plus the amazing Alexis) are going to go see the broadway version of the Lion King tonight. All is chaos around here as two girls primp and fluff and do all that strange girly stuff that human females seem to do. I mean really, what more do you need to look your best other than a good tongue cleaning? I do have to say that they all clean up rather nicely and I am quite proud of them for going to see a play all about my (distant) wild relatives. I am slightly jealous but it really wouldn't be fair for me to go and upstage all the animals that have worked so hard to put on a show for the humans. I guess I will just have to have a night all to myself. Hmmm, bath and nap anyone?

I am starving!

February 17

Dear Diary,
I am, to put it quite frankly, STARVING. I was correct in my hearing of the dreaded word "DIET." For some silly reason these humans think that I need to lose weight. How ridiculous is that? Can't they see that rounder is better? Sassy is just somehow lacking without some Fat to it! I have expressed my displeasure quite forcefully about this travesty but my humans just try to respond back in their awful version of cat speak. (I mean really just how much can one person brutally destroy a language?!?) I think this might be the doing of that doctor lady but I will have to check my resources before I make any accusations! I am unsure what I am going to do about this insanity but I am sure I will think of something. I do have to say though that it is nice to be getting the delicious canned entrees and "designer" treats. I can't be sure but I feel like after eating the treats my cold has gone away and my teeth seem much cleaner. This could just all be some strange coincidence though and I may just be getting more awesome all on my own. For now I am going to go and try to sleep so that the hours until my next meal will go by quicker. Wish me luck and food dearest diary! Woe-is-me!

The HORROR!

February 11

Dearest Diary!

The horror! The injustice! The PLASTIC BOX! My humans have put me in the dreaded plastic box again. I am outraged! What's even worse is they then put me in the loud metal thing with wheels and then we were MOVING and it seemed to go on for EVER! They finally came to their senses and took me out of the metal thing into a strange new building. Fortunately I survived this harrowing experience by testing out a new defensive maneuver. I crawled to the back of the plastic box, burrowed under all the blankets and completely hid myself! If I can't see the horrors outside, clearly they can't see me! I figure this is a maneuver I will have to keep in my arsenal seeing as it worked and I made it to the strange new building alive and unscathed! Well, to continue on with my story it turns out the strange place is called the "Vets." Here I met another human who it seems is dedicated to my well being. (Really can a fat cat have enough humans to faun over her?) Her name is Dr. H and apparently she took care of my humans last feline master. I never got to meet this "Kitty Maow" but from what I have been able to ferret out he was much loved by all and sorely missed. I wish I could have met him seeing as how I could use a consort for my fabulousness! I will rummage through the humans things and try to accumulate a picture of him to share with you. But, I digress! Here is my new human groupie with me. (Clearly I was trying to hide from the paparazzi but they are everywhere!)

She told my humans how wonderful I am and even had her assistant come in to take photos of me (clearly the cameras love me!) The only thing that is somewhat bothersome is something she said that was rather...suspicious. I swear I heard her say the word "DIET" Clearly I am mistaken because who would want to slim down this ball of awesome?

I did see my humans purchasing multiple cans of delicious cuisine for me including several bags of "designer" treats. I think that they may even be forgiven for putting me BACK in the plastic box and BACK in the loud metal thing. At least this time we ended at home where I promptly retired to my California King sized bed to relax after such a harrowing journey! We will see how they make it up to me when I decide to grace them with my sassiness.

Time Will Tell

February 3, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am acclimating well to my new home. My humans seem to be learning rather quickly what I deem necessary for my daily fabulousness! I have now explored my entire new home and have found all of the best places to hide when I want to be annoying and make my humans come find me. Most of the time though it is really just for when something scary happens (like the front door opening! You never know what is going to come through there!) And I have no shame of needing a few hidey holes. I may be fabulous, but I get scared like everyone else, thank you very much. I just have the foresight to scope out my options ahead of time! I have also found the best places for my required hours of napping. The bed is just marvelous and there is a super fuzzy blanket they leave on the couch just for me! I do have to say that the fuzzy blanket does make one of my rather more adorable quirks come out. My humans seem to be cataloging my every move with their cameras and videos so I suppose it will get out sooner or later. So to be ahead of the punch I will just come out and admit to my adorableness! I am a blanket sucker. That's right, you heard me. I am a rather accomplished biscuit maker and I can knead blankets with the best of them. But over time I have come to realize that tasting the blanket while making biscuits takes the process to a whole new level of enjoyment. Sometimes I find myself doing it for 20 minutes at a time before slowly starting to nod off (it's a great way to get ready for a nap!)Since my humans have captured it on film, I stole it from them and will steal their thunder by showing it to you before they can. You can thank me later for making your day.